I'm lost and stupid without you.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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