You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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