I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
