why do cheetos always look like penises
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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