I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
