the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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