Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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