fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
