I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
