He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
