I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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