I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need to calm my uterus...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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