The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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