Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
