You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
