Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
