He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
