Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I think my moral compass just broke
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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