you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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