Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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