im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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