mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
