i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
