so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
