At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You can't motorboat a personality
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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