my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
