So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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