I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
People in love make me want to vomit
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
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