I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
