I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
