Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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