3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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