im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
