this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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