I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
