you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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