I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
