Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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