is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
