My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
