Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
