When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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