when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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