I wish I could teleport
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
