is your mom at the bar?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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