I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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