He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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