Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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