I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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