i think my tv is drunk
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
