Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
