I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
